Pride in the Name of Love

Posted on June 17, 2017July 26, 2017 by misspoobles

I've had a second meeting today with the very excited couple to cover any additional wishes for their wedding ceremony. Our last meeting I felt I was prepared and ready to help the couple celebrate their special day. As I spoke about the commitment to each other and the gravity of the solemn vow I could see their faces squidge up as if I said something foul.

After being married for 18 years, and witnessing the ups and downs of each statement of commitment it seems appropriate to remind this couple of the gravity of the words "I do". There is so much behind each aspect of the wedding vow. So many marriages fail because there is a light undertaking of the dimensions to which each aspect of marriage can take.

When you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with "the one" You must ask yourself if you are in for what it really means to take them in

Sickness and in health –

The health is the easy part. But sickness is the stickler. Think about illness, This could be anything from man flu to ALS. Could you bathe them when they cannot? Can you change a feeding bag or a help clean an infection a the site of their colostomy bag? If they have a stroke, will you be willing to care for their basic bodily functions? If they suffer from depression or addiction will you be there by their side every step of the way to recovery? Will you drive them to the hospital when they suffer from an appendicitis, or a heart attack? Will you be their advocate during cancer treatments? Will you be there if they are admitted to hospice care? Will their well being be as important as your own?

Richer or Poorer –

One might thing the richer part would be easy but the management of that wealth and the responsibilities that entails can end a marriage as well. What if your spouse is a spend thrift? Can you work with them to learn better habits? If one or both of you lose your jobs can you work together to tighten your spending and recover? If your partner is too frugal can you live with the meager budgeting without fighting over the money?

Honor and respect-

This one seems like a no brainer because you love that person right? It often times erodes when the consideration behind the relationship is missed. It takes only a few tiny errors, like missing their napkin when setting the table, or not taking up their laundry but only your own, to failing to listen to them when they just need an ear. These tiny things build up to erode the honor and respect of your commitment. Where one may feel invisible or not valued over the years. Thank yous missed, hugs not given, time together not spent all build up to a rift in a marriage.

Keeping only unto them until death do you part –

Again the early stages of the relationship the couple might think "This will never happen to us, because we love each other so much" Though all it takes are the rifts in the prior vows to drive one or the other to toward someone who fills the void or shows value that is missing from the relationship.

Most come away from the the wedding day thinking "Hooray! This is us~ we've done it. Married for life!" But marriage is a journey and it takes work to keep it fresh and loving each and every day of your lives together. Early in the relationship that whistle when they breathe due to a deviated septum was cute and endearing but after 157680 hours of life together hearing that whistle might be less cute and endearing and more like a Chinese water torture. Can you work with that for the rest of your lives together?

Squidging at the emphasis of the gravity of the vows and being entirely sure of your commitment means perhaps the gravity of the vows are not fully understood.

Working on your marriage is expected every day. And being strong enough when you are at a point where it becomes hard to come to a therapist and ask for help is not admitting defeat but admitting you love each other that much to keep striving to keep that love alive.

One thing too… there are no roles in the marriage and no such thing as 50/50 all the time. Sometimes it is 80/20 or 90/10. If you have that expectation when you go into it your partner better be on board.

By the time you set foot at that altar in front of your celebrant, you be quite sure you and your intended have gone over all the possibilities of your life in marriage, kids/no kids, last wishes should life support be in question. Leave no stone unturned.

Take Heart

Posted on April 26, 2017 by misspoobles

I was having dinner with a friend- both of us still reeling from the sudden death of a mutual friend – when she said this…

“We are surrounded by such strong women and I fear that I deliberately do that so I can hide from the fact that I am not strong at all.”

The thing is, I have always regarded this friend as strong. I clumsily tried to explain that we all feel that way, that the people around us have it all together; when in reality, they are filled with the same doubts and fears as we have. We are all just muddling through and carrying our respective burdens and responsibilities in the best way we can. I feel like I diminished it by lumping it into an “everyone feels this” category.

She said she wanted to be more because our dearly departed friend was just that. (More) With each passing of dear friends, I make that same commitment to take on the same qualities of the person I have lost in order to be better than I am. But somewhere down the road, I am just me and it is overwhelming to do what I commit to do.

I can be who, intrinsically, I am with small changes – but like New Year’s resolutions; those memorial resolutions get lost in the same way.

I don’t think our friend would want us to go changing in an effort to honor her memory. She befriended us for who we are and loved us for all we were.

Comparing ourselves to others by our perceptions is what fuels unrealistic self-expectations which ultimately causes undue self-loathing and stress when we fail to meet our goals.

The phrases,

“I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in”
“I don’t feel like I fit in with anything.”
“I feel like I’m faking it and someday people will figure it out if they haven’t already.”
“I am drowning most of the time barely treading water these days.”
“I am not a nice person underneath it all”
“Do others just perceive me as full of shit?”

These are not unfamiliar sentiments by anyone. We all have these feelings. We have to take heart that the person next to you, or sitting across from you on the mass transit vehicle has thought these thoughts too.

When you’re walking through life and observing those around you who seemingly have it more together than you, take heart – the key word there is “seemingly”. We don’t know their whole stories as they do not know ours. What motivates their actions, reactions is fueled by things we do not know, histories and such. So relax and take heart, just do the best you can in the way that you can.

If I could just….

Posted on May 23, 2015April 26, 2017 by misspoobles

Having a moment of sentimentality today. And I think back to the film “The Guardians of the Galaxy” and how the mom’s playlist (mix tape as it were) was an integral part of the piece. So I thought what would my mix tape I would hand off be?

So I thought of some titles:

Renaissance’s ‘Carpet of the Sun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piY4mt4F9xg

The Monkees’ “Randy Scouse Git’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejw_LOi-nhk

The Moody Blues’ “Question’
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQwnYtZNC-0

Jane’s Addiction ‘Been Caught Stealing’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrwjiO1MCVs

Fastball’s “The Way’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0wfu3tOrtQ

Dream Academy’s ‘Life In a Northern Town’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YablrXxFCc

To those sporting those Judgiepants…

Posted on April 27, 2015April 27, 2015 by misspoobles

Prejudice noun /ˈprejədəs/

Prejudgment, or forming an opinion before becoming aware of the relevant facts of a case.

So many types to mention but I want to address the one most are guilty of every day. One of which does not come up when you google ‘Types of Prejudice’. I reckon I consider this type as Prejudice of Condition.

Lately, I have observed this prejudice first hand. But I was not a stranger to it in the past. Back then it enraged me. Now? Not so much. But it does disappoint me.

So what is prejudice of condition? Let’s explore some examples.

Take Sally for example, she wears decent clothes, holds a steady job; but recently, has indicated that she is having cash problems. Those around her judge her statement as disingenuous as she always has what appears to be nice clothes, perfectly manicured nails. “Hell, if she can spend the cash on clothes and manicures, she’s not as skint as she says. What a liar!”

No one knows she was forced to max her credit card to pay for unexpected repairs on her car, she does her own nails and her clothes are from a charity shop.
____

Another example comes in the form of a meme which has circulated on facebook timelines for several years now. Even I have shared it to remind those around me to be less quick to judge.

“You can’t see my problems, you can’t see my pain. You don’t understand the thoughts going round in my brain. My illness is not visible, it’s not on display. But it’s a battle I fight with each and every day…”

For those with chronic illness, including me, we endure each day knowing we will have good ones and just plain horrible ones. We never know what the next day will be. Our minds are preoccupied with what this could very well be and we fight the fears with the mantra that it may not be since the tests were negative the last time. Just because we continue to fight– to appear normal — doesn’t mean our situation is made up or any less real. We want normal lives, and we will do what we can when we can. We live with what we have and try to make the best of it even in our worst moments.

It is sad to discover someone close to you is judging based on their definition of what sick should look like just because you canceled plans when you weren’t feeling well enough to cater to them. Because after all, it is all about them.

____

Finally, the last example is the one I think I am most susceptible to committing and being the target at the same time. Judging personality based on visage. I have resting bitch face. I know what it is like to be judged by my relaxed demeanor. Some people find me very off putting due to my expression. I haven’t minded too much because the introvert in me is kind of relieved.

But I have been very guilty of doing the same. Not just with people with resting bitch face, but with others whose outward appearance seems intimidating and I assume they are cold or abusive in nature when actually they probably are super kind and warm.

It’s a terrible thing, prejudgements. Because in these judgements we prevent caring relationships to be formed or maintained. Be wary of your quick to conclude thoughts when dealing with others. Remind yourself of how it feels to be judged without the full information.

Be good to yourself but practically so

Posted on April 16, 2015April 16, 2015 by misspoobles

In today’s society it seems that “Keeping up with the Jones'” is the norm. But the Jones’ we don’t know their story as much as we do our own.

I wrestle with the choices I made to live well beneath my means despite what banks told me was within my means. Had I listened to them I would be a giant stress ball worried about money all the time. Instead I chose to choose practical means which allowed the small indulgences every day. (Like eating out regularly, having that treat purchase every now and then and knowing I had a padding in my account for any emergency)

We could have bought the house in the 200K arena but would have lived on boxed mac and cheese nearly every day to keep afloat.

I wanted the luxury car but chose the practical options with the high mpg and the exceptional safety rating and reliable trade in rate to keep protecting the finances.

I look back on it now and wonder, should I have risked it all with testing the limit for my vanity? And I have to say no.

But…

If I had to do it over, I would have chosen to set aside money instead of going out for more vacations. Travel to wonderful places. The one regret I have in life is that I did not explore enough. I did not take the time off when allotted to rest and take care of me.

I worked so very hard for 30 years with no stamps in my passport. Not many great travel memories.

What I recommend is that you do that very thing. Take vacations — make memories outside of the day to day. Get out of Dodge as much as you can.

Life is oh so short; and at this time in your life that means little, but when you are nearing 50 and realized you haven’t really lived– it will be the one thing you recommend to others.

Go to concerts, to shows, to museums, to natural wonders. Take in what delights you.

Eat well. Not stupid. Make sure the food you put in you is nutritious and full of flavor and excitement. Feed your body too. Do not let the stress of life or the lack of time allow you to make poor choices. That is not to say you cannot have that delicious prime rib or the burger that tops all burgers, but do that sparingly so. Your wellbeing depends on keeping your nutrients high and the carcinogenic, artery clogging crap at a low.

But remember to always have cake. Never pass up an opportunity for a good slice of cake.

I wish for you an epic love

Posted on April 11, 2015April 11, 2015 by misspoobles

Love is such a wild thing. Like Al Green says:

Love and happiness (yeah)
Something that can make you do wrong
Make you do right
Love..

Love has so many levels and I hope you find and embrace every level. Finding friends for whom you love beyond reason. People you would be willing to lay your very life down for if necessary. And then of course the love you get filled with passion and devotion.

I can say with some confidence if you open your heart to let in love in all forms your whole being glows.

You may even find when thinking on it, you are near tears with the overwhelming emotion it brings. No matter what the level.

I have dear friends whom I love and care for deeply. I would gladly give all that I have to assure they are happy and they are loved. They are my extended family.

And speaking of family, familial love is such a bond that is your haven. Your home. No one knows you more and will support you more than your family. When life has you up against the wall, they have your back and they will do whatever it takes to get you out of your hole and get you back to center. Your parents, grand-parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all have your back.

But then as you go along in life you will find that network of friends who become your family away from family with whom you would donate a kidney or anything they need to see that they are happy and healthy as they would you. I wish that for you so very much.

But mostly I do hope you find the love(s) of your life. That epic intimate love which sets your passion aflame, inspires you to be more than you are and that person you would devote your all toward. That romantic love which inspires you to greatness.

There will and should not be just one. For you I wish for many. Soulmates, those who get your geeks, your kinks and your values. Those who see you at your best and worst and still find you fascinating and sexy and everything wonderful.

Those who do listen when you speak, console you in your sorrows, pull you up when you are down. Those who find you worth loving even when you feel not worthy of such.

Never settle for anything less than that, in your friends, your family and your lover(s).

You know it is true love when you think of them over and above your immediate needs. When you put all that aside and they become your focus. Your needs are totally secondary to theirs. That is when you know that you are fully loving.

Some loves you may encounter may not work out and you will go your separate ways but the tie that binds you is strong. That is a devoted love. Hold onto that because it is so worth it.

I would love that you could have a view into my heart to see how much love has affected me and whom I would give my all for at any given chance. Love fills your soul with a warmth and fulfillment that nothing else can. When you have this love, no matter what happens you will always be happy and grateful.

There are many directions of love. Bi-directional — which means it goes both ways and uni-directional — which means a one way love; where perhaps you may love one but that love is not returned, or one loves you and you cannot return it. For the first of the uni-directional, never let that embitter your heart. Keep your heart open and giving, because in time, it will be worth it. For the second of the uni-directional, be respectful of the love that is given to you and never be an ass about it. Receiving love is a gift and should never be taken for granted. Be sensitive to that kind of love but be ever honest in a graceful and giving way if you cannot return it in the same manner.

Love is currency. The more you have/give the richer your life will be.

And just know when you love and it is not returned, do not close your heart. Keep it open for there will be new opportunities. Your heart will be marked with virtual tattoos of each kind. The more the walls of your heart is decorated, the richer your life experience is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqqAnjY2Rmo

Actions, Reactions and Choices – Oh My!

Posted on April 10, 2015 by misspoobles

Ever have one of those mind blown moments as a kid? Something really profound happens or you hear something which causes you to stop and exclaim “Whoa!”

It happened to me while listening to a Rush song “Free Will” I was really attending to the lyrics and when Geddy got to this line, I had that mind blown moment:

“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice”

I was probably all of 13 at the time and I think my mind did just stop; simply hanging on that very line.

“Wait, what? Not to choose is a choice just as a,b or c? Whoa!”

Sometimes the best response to a situation is to simply, not choose to attend to it. I tried it out; and sometimes, it was the right thing to do – as time had a way of showing me that not everything must be handled and things have a way of sorting out on their own. Loads of stress lifted on that life’s little lesson.

But it goes deeper than that, I found. As time went on and I was exercising my choice to not choose, I found that also how I regard a situation (my attitude) is a choice as well. Something truly shitty happens I have a choice to react poorly as a result or to choose to take it with grace or optimism- and as a result the impact on me will be different.

Remember that time when we all embraced the fad witty retort to “Have a nice day!” ?

“Don’t tell me what kind of day to have.”

Turns out if one chooses to be happy, it changes color on the whole day, week or even year regardless of the shit storm one may walk through. Sure it’s a challenge at times, and as in my prior blog entry, I mentioned you can choose to let your weakness show to keep it from building up and destroying you from the inside.

We do face challenges each and every day, some poor interaction with a person and we have the choice of reacting poorly, reacting positively or simply not reacting at all. It just takes a bit of thought.

Not choosing can have a more profound impact than choosing path a or b.

On Strength and Weakness

Posted on April 10, 2015April 10, 2015 by misspoobles

I stumbled across a click bait slideshow of the 20 bitchiest quotes from Bette Davis a few days back and had to smile over the featured quote in this post. (source: flavorwire.com/512679/20-of-the-bitchiest–bette–davis–quotes)

I could think of several people who fit her description with whom I came into contact in my life. As such, her quote seems to me brutally honest and I had wished someone would have shared this pearl of wisdom with me so I could have been more prepared to identify it before my energies were wasted in those relationships.

I find that what impressed me most is learning that Ms. Davis, in real life outside of acting, was just as brassy and open as many of the characters she portrayed. I always admired her craft. She chose such complex and outstanding roles of women, often intimidating, steely, cold and, yes, bitchy. But strong. Even when she had the challenge with the tragic Charlotte Vale, in “Now Voyager” she knocked the viewers’ socks off with her stunning performance, letting vulnerability and weakness take the forefront. That film was a game changer for me in my fandom of her work.

The thing is, I was surrounded by very strong and considerably bitchy women in my life. Never once did I see them exhibit any weakness which I thought was daunting. The expectation was that to be a survivor, a success, one never showed weakness. No matter how heavy the burden, you shoulder it. No pity parties, no crying. You do what needs to be done.

“I survived because I was tougher than anybody else”– Bette Davis

I thought it was the norm that when the going got tough, you pull up your big girl/boy pants, take a breath and keep going. Mostly this is true because it is so easy to get lost in the drama of the situation and feel sorry for yourself and simply give up. Lately this week has given me pause in terms of not letting some of that weakness show. I cracked a little and finally let out the stress, the anxiety and the fear. I cried on the way to the grocery store. When I pulled in to park, I realized my eyes were more than likely swollen, puffy and my face very flushed. So for that moment of release, I sat there spending the time to pack it all back in, taking that deep breath and carry on.

I learned right there on the slow walk into the store, that moments of weakness are needed. I had to let it out as keeping it in was tearing me down, mentally and physically. Sometimes one can find more strength from showing or recognizing weakness and tending to it for just that moment. Asking for a break, a little help, or just disconnecting to let it out some.

One cannot be strong all the time and it is okay to take that moment to let the stress of the burden out; briefly, but out. Denying the toll life’s challenges take on one’s self will manifest in different, more self-destructive ways. Recognize it and tend to it.

The meaning of life

Posted on April 8, 2015April 10, 2015 by misspoobles

People search endlessly for the answer to the ultimate question.

“Why am I here?”

It has taken me 44 years to get to the answer and the answer is this….

You are here to impact others in either positive or negative ways in order to leverage them into higher versions of themselves.

What does that mean exactly?

It means this –

You are a people maker. Your actions and reactions to the people in your life at any given point in the timeline that is your life will motivate them to become better people. Sometimes you must deal harsh blows which shake a person into changes to ultimately better themselves or you will inspire people to soar to new heights.

In a sense it is not about you, that is, your life. Your life is about others. It is about fostering growth and change.

The example that you set does leave a mark on those who surround you. You can be the example to which others aspire or you can be the lesson to which others declare, “I don’t want to be like you.” And as life would have it, you can be both.

Case in point, me. I am a generous giver, a thoughtful, humorous, conscientious person who is riddled with neuroses, negativity and bad habits which serve both purposes. To inspire and motivate.

How does this work in my case?

For those around me my work ethic, my sense of justice inspires good deeds for others to follow suit. Yet, in the same vein, my weaknesses, obsessions and addictions serve as a lesson of what not to do in life.

There will come a time in your life where you feel you do not matter. To the world or to anyone. But I do say this, watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Yes, the old black and white film starring Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. It shows that you do have impacts. A kindness you extend to someone in passing may leave a mark on their soul which changes their life for the better.

A condemnation from you, to another, may give that person pause to rethink their path in order to make changes for the better.

You do matter. You, in your unique way, touch people and initiate change.

Change is good. For some, negative change may not seem positive for them in the immediate, but down the road, it does serve as a positive. Time serves in that lesson.

Should you deliver a harsh blow, never ever think back on it with regret. Just let time work it out. There is a reason you had to do what you needed to do or say what you needed to say which was received poorly. Just trust that in the end, time will teach the lesson.

Conversely, you must also keep aware that others are impacting you in the same way. That harsh instructor you had in school which made your semester a living hell? Ask yourself, what did you learn from him/her other than how you felt? Did he/she motivate you to dig deep within yourself to meet his/her demands? Did you learn from him/her? Did you grow stronger? Develop a thicker skin for survival?

What about those who suffered around you? What did you learn from them? Did they teach you a new level of strength as you watched them struggle and persevere? Did they uncover a weakness about yourself which made you rethink it and decide what really matters and what challenges in life really were? Did the small stuff finally present themselves as small stuff?

That golden boy/girl who inspires you and knocks your ever-living socks off in everything they touch. Did you find yourself thinking, “If they can do that, what can I achieve?”

This is the purpose of life. We are each others’ teachers, guides, muses and lessons. Learn and grow from all around you and impart the same on those who surround you.

For further reference… listen to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nh3EsEzVvws

Why restart blogging?

Posted on April 6, 2015April 6, 2015 by misspoobles

I had a lovely heart to heart chat with a dear friend from High School some days ago which had me thinking – there is much in my mind which needs to be imparted out there; not only for my need to keep a clear head, but also as a guide to my offspring to understand that this whack-a-do had some life lessons which may prove useful.

Maybe?
Maybe not?

Maybe only to serve as defense to the allegation: “You’re demented and crazy!”

From The Mind Of Moo

When the end of the line draws near, one feels compelled to sing their swan song along the way. Mine is in blog format.