Hard to Fight But Scared To Give Up

I have shitty veins. They break, I bruise and most times, it’s nothing. Occasionally it is something.

Something that should have killed me.

Those times I was in the hospital and stents were placed.

Recently, I’ve become more exhausted than usual and moderate to light activity causes chest, and limb pain. Sometimes a headache or neck pain.

The two smallest toes on my left foot are mostly numb. It’s a weird feeling.

I believe I may have Peripheral Artery Disease in addition to the Coronary Artery Disease tiara I wear currently.

I brought it on myself. I don’t exercise regularly, if at all. I have a sedentary job. I have a horrible past of eating like crap and weight has always been a problem for me. Smoking too.

I can talk the big talk by saying that no matter what, I won’t fight another episode; but, frankly speaking, I’m sad and afraid to allow my life to end. This is painful.

Yet the current state of my life, with the stressors of my job and family…I kinda do want a clean out.

I know! I just got done watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the second time this season and I cried as always knowing that life is a gift not to be thrown away.

It’s a pity I did whatever the hell I wanted while young with no second thought to the damage I was doing down the road.

I’ve read the articles on reversing heart disease and I do eat a mostly vegetarian diet. My daily fats don’t include butter (unless it’s nut butter) and I eat high fiber foods for breakfast and lunch and add it to our dinner with lean meats or a vegetarian option.

And yet here I am. My left leg numb and stinging after light activity, eating nitroglycerin like tic tacs.

I keep thinking if this is an aneurism or dissection or claudification, I just want to be home to die. I don’t want it to happen while driving or in a stinky hospital or god forbid — in the bathroom stall at work!

I’m finding it harder and harder to go to work in this kind of pain. I’m actually finding it very hard to justify working until I can either recover or just spend my days where I want to be. Home.

I’m also afraid to sleep while in this pain. What happens if I don’t wake?

The control freak in me worries about what mess I may be leaving you and your father to clean up. The paperwork, outstanding bills and accounts to close down. It’s all just a hairy pain in the ass.

I never wanted you to deal with my passing. That’s why I paid for my funeral in advance. That’s why there’s a book that has instructions for after I go. I just don’t have all the rest of the shit in it. Like accounts and passwords. Contacts.

I really must do that for you. I promise if I’m given tomorrow I will get that done.

And if I stroke out (and it’s not deadly) but leaves me where ultimately I am in a vegetative state, do not waste the money keeping me alive. Let me go.

Our healthcare system will ruin you and your father financially if you try to keep me going.

I hope that the afterlife is true and even reincarnation is possible. If I had that assurance I might not be so scared to let go. But this is where I am.

Stuck.

Heartsick.

Sad.

Tired.

Jealous of those who have shittier habits and will outlive me.

A teensy bit angry at myself for wasting the time I had.

Just know that I bragged that my veins were mostly Twinkie frosting when I was your age. How ironic it was for me to hear you brag that yours were filled with cheese this weekend at your grandpa’s house?

I’m here to warn you that even if you don’t smoke and you do stay active, your dietary choices will lead you right down the red carpet I genetically rolled out toward artery disease.

Please do the research now and make the necessary lifestyle choices that reverse the damage you’re doing and you outlive your mother.

It’s Only Human

The single most challenging thing in life is to know when to ask for help, remembering that one is never left to go it alone. Turning a blind eye to the helping hands around you when in a time of great need is a grave mistake.

There are some who get an intrinsic reward from sympathies of the masses by hoisting themselves up as martyrs in the face of great adversity and challenge. Whether it is out of pride they find no resources, or to get the attentions they crave, remains a mystery.

There is no shame in asking for help. Please never take the load yourself if you feel like you are drowning. Reach out when you are overloaded. Someone will offer to help or point you toward someone who can help.

It is no sign of failure or weakness if you ask for help. The important point is that you must recognize when you need help.

  • If it is sapping your energy/resources and there seems no solution in sight, no matter what you try; then you need help.
  • If you feel your back is desperately against the wall with no path to resolution, then you need help.
  • When you feel overwhelmed with all of the tasks/expectations set before you and you begin to shutdown physically or emotionally, then you need help.
  • When you’re experiencing a highly charged emotional state and it seems never-ending, then you need help.

Being in any of these situations it is easy for one to be blinded by the situation and not see who is around who can help – thinking you are alone to handle it.

The important thing is to know you are never alone.

Let me repeat that with emphasis…

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

There are hundreds of thousands of folks who probably have gone through the very situation(s) you are in and can offer guidance and solutions. Maybe family, friends, professional agencies, counselors, doctors, psychiatrists, support groups, message boards…even a complete stranger.

But you must open your mouth and say, “I need help.”

Simply complaining or staying silent will not alert those around you that you need help. Everyone around you is working through issues of their own and may not be intuitive enough to know you are in dire straits and need assistance.

Know too, that just because a person is busy does not mean they are not open to help. Please do not use that as an excuse to keep sch-tum. If they cannot help directly, they may know someone or some resource that can help.

I know it is humbling to admit vulnerability, but we are a community and we are put on this earth to help one another.

When that help is given, remember it. Do not claim that it was never received or disregard the help that is offered. You are less likely to be helped in the future.

Some of my favorite songs regarding helping

The Band –

Billy Swan –

Joe Cocker –

The Staples Singers –

The Little River Band –

The Youngbloods –

And most importantly – Bill Withers

 

To Meh, or Not to Meh?

That is the question.

Lately,  I am finding it difficult to see the good in humanity. At a time when the most good should be happening; I am witness to mass shootings, general apathy toward those in great need of compassion and empathy.

I read an article about a teacher who posted why she is quitting her profession, whereby the most selfless giving is necessary because it was too much for her to bear.

She complained of the lack of respect the kids she taught had for the resources in the classroom, which she often supplied out of her own personal budget. How the kids had little to no regard for their own progress and were failing her class and she would let them because she did all she could to allow them to succeed with the exception of ultimately doing the work for them. And now she will have to face irate parents when she does fail them to answer for why they are failing. She has declared she is done caring. She was lauded for this post and it was shared virally until she deleted it. However, it became an article on the internet with screenshots and responses.

I wanted to share that with you, because what challenged her will challenge you as well. I held back as I didn’t want to dissuade your path if you truly feel you can contribute and you have a passion to serve in this way.

It scares the holy beejeebers out of me that you will be taking on a position where some whack-a-doo with a semi-automatic rifle could end your life and/or the lives of those under your supervision. I worry that some out of control child could assault you in the classroom.

But I know you are my son and you have a natural leadership style which will help you greatly in this career.  However where you excel here I see where you may end up in her position of rant and leave before you begin because of apathy and lack of compassion towards others.

You see, when I lament over the lack of interest in family, your friends’ milestones, your disinterest in sentimental things; it is because these too, are key elements to what makes a teacher strong in their field. Genuine caring, humanity.

I don’t quite know where I went astray in instilling this sense because I exposed you to a life of service, moral teachings, and leading by example. Yet I know I am not alone.

The governor of Texas also notes that what is systemically wrong in society is a lack of humanity. The lack of caring for one another and generally, respecting life. He labelled it hypocrisy. I cannot completely disagree with his points.  We do not want people to be violent yet we are encouraging it in television, film, games, books, music.

He speaks of a desensitization of our society as a result of the bombardment of these things. But I think there’s more to it than just a lack of respect.

I was watching a scene from a television show (I know), where one character is teaching another to drive and the student driver is very concerned about everything and everyone around them. The instructor says “You cannot worry about them, all you can do is worry about yourself.”

This is what is wrong too with society.  Encouraging self centeredness.

There is a scene from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” where Sally Brown, Charlies’s sister asks Charlie to write a letter to Santa; and as she becomes more selfish and adds that all she wants is 10’s and 20’s, Charlie gasps over the extreme commercialism with, “Even my baby sister!” She defends herself by quietly stating “All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.”

Schulz identified the spiral toward where we are today with his social commentary on this self centered mentality and yet it went over most peoples’ heads.

No one is owed anything. Education, great grades, goods, pay, jobs, etc. All require hard work and all require a sense of humanity, a sensitivity toward others.

We need empathy, compassion and community. This is what makes our society and this is what needs to be encouraged. In books, film. television, music, games…

I do know you are thoughtful and proactive, and I simply hope it remains strong and grows further as you grow older.

Best Cure For Heartbreaks

When someone shuts you down, turns you out, excludes you from their company; it hurts.

The cut is so deep there is a hollow ache that begins in the throat which feels asphyxiatingly tight. The hollowness spreads so deep within your chest — as if someone took all the wind out of you as your brain begins to process the complex flood of emotions which are about to follow.

  • Disbelief
  • Shock
  • Speechlessness while the hollow ache travels
  • Humiliation
  • Worthlessness
  • Grief-ridden sorrow that appears to have no bottom
  • Anger and indignation
  • Guilt over feeling angry

I find that it is easy to crawl inside myself to heal while simultaneously building internal protective emotional barriers to never allow this to affect me in this way ever again.

That method of cutting one’s self off to wallow and lick wounds takes so much time. So so so much time.

Over that time, whilst wallowing in the flood of emotions, I began to waste so much of my energies dwelling on the event, reopening the wound over and over again. Picking at each second of what had happened to try to heal.

Yes, you must take a minute to cry- sob even. But then there’s an immediate fix, that I offer to you…one that washes everything away.

Service.

Acts of selflessness toward others. Random others. Opening that wound so wide to let the love you have pour out to others in acts of kindness and generosity of spirit. Expect nothing but their happiness in return. Because, as the love of yours pours out, a new form of love surrounds you like a comforting warm wrap. It feels healing. It strengthens your spirit so you may face that hurt with newer eyes.

It may still bring you some sadness; but there will be compassion. And perhaps ultimately understanding and mercy.

The more you serve, the easier it is to find your way back out of the pain.

And it is strange, I’ve often found an opportunity to serve directly following a hurt dealt. As if the universe was handing me a first aid kit for my heart.

I hope that if you experience the kind of pain you did on that rejection ever again you look up and outward for the opportunity to begin kindly serving selflessly.

Don’t shut down. Open up.

And lastly, I’ve found through experience, that in every horrible hurtful event there lies an element of ridiculousness. Some crazy element of funny, that at the time, I could not see.

Always look for the humour in the event. It is there.

Logical Science Reasoning: Sex Ed – Masters Level

Reference article in order to digest my message

You probably didn’t click the prerequisite link to read the article, but I will summarize this before the lesson begins.

A Mormon blogger serially tweets a scientific truth that men are 100 percent responsible for all unwanted pregnancies.

Ooh…I bet you took a defensive stance on that sentence, didn’t you?

If you click the link and read each tweet listed in the article you will see that she addressed each and every rapid fire retort that’s swirling in your brain in defense of your responsibility as a man with sexual ability.

Seriously, click it and read it.

I can wait.

Not only is it a grand lesson in biology in a developmental sense but also speaks to the very hypocrisy I’ve spoken to you in the past about expectations on women.

Ok so I bet you skimmed it and closed your mind with the reasoning “She’s a man hater on the attack.”

No, grasshopper, her points are distinct and clearly accurate to the function and capability of your body over and above a woman’s body.

Remember when I told you my friend and I dominated the sex trivia game and kept the high score rating for as long as we were in college? I’m here to say this mother of six nearly perfectly correct.

One more time, read the article point by point and find the two bits she omitted.

Did you find them?

Nah, probably not, my sweet little headstrong Harry.

She failed to mention two ways in which the steps a woman takes can fail in preventing an unwanted pregnancy.

  1. Antibiotics are Birth control pills’ kryptonite. It’s like taking nothing at all. Bam! She’s got a baby on board
  2. Getting her tubes tied won’t necessarily prevent your Olympic swimmers from getting to the golden egg. That’s why I have my cousins David and Sarah.

So where is my lesson in this? When you become sexually active and you will eventually; you must take great care in how you proceed with your partner knowing that one slip-up on your part means fatherhood.

Ask yourself this question: “If we do this deed and she becomes pregnant is she someone I can invest a good portion of my life supporting her financially and emotionally while raising a child together lovingly for the next 18 years? Am I willing to put my needs, goals and life plans on the back burner for that length of time just so I can experience approximately 5 seconds of toe curling, mind blowing, nearly fainting dead away ecstasy?”

Weigh it carefully. What sacrifices would you have to make as a father to raise that child?

If your not willing to commit to your partner like that; then masturbate, use all the forms of contraception at once, (triple bag it if necessary) or abstain until you want that family.

Do not ever expect that your partner is solely responsible for the contraception.

Although vasectomy is an option, like tying tubes, it can fail as well.

And finally, condoms do in fact expire which could make them more prone to break while in activity.

Keeping it close to the vest

This is the time of your life when you feel the most defiant and frustrated with your parents. “Their home, their rules” butting up against your desire to be an independent adult. You begin to notice they’re flawed and hypocritical. They only see you as a child and irresponsible when clearly you believe you are not.

From their end, they see a lack of ambition and autonomy. Poor choices on both sides fuel the arguments. They say that raising a teenager is like nailing jello to a tree. It really is.

In my experience which I have shared with you often enough, I kept a lot of of my frustrations in a journal form because voicing it would result in physical repercussions. I had always wanted to say the things to my parents that went into the journal, but over time, I had realized that it would not have been made a bit of difference to them and it would not change how I was raised.

What was done is done and cannot be undone.

Although, my experiences taught me what not to do as a parent. I stand by the belief that everything that happens to you is an opportunity for learning. When you look back on your childhood and your experience with us, I hope you too, can find a teachable moment.

Do not hang on to any bitterness and let it cloud your life. I did that for several years and it was a complete waste of time. Turn it toward something positive. List out all of the things you wished you had from us and resolve to model your parenting and relationships after that.

Parenting is hard. We think as parents we are approaching it in the best possible way, but we are human and we make mistakes. And let me tell you, the struggle with wanting to be a better parent than your own and resorting to the same tactics that were used on you is real.

Let me share my list of things I did my best to approach parenting you:

  • If I promised something to you, I followed through.
  • I was not going to Joan Crawford you with psycho expectations on how you kept your room, or how you dressed.
  • If I was to resort to corporal punishment, it was only as an absolute last resort if you were about to harm yourself or others with your actions. I believe I spanked you only 3 times in your childhood and I did not want to do it.
  • I was going to lead by example in terms of motivating toward a good work ethic and problem solving.
  • I wasn’t going to spend time comparing you to others with “Why can’t you be more like…” or “Don’t be like…”
  • I did not direct your behavior with “Don’ts” I would simply ask you to do what was desired or gave you limited choices to get you toward the parenting goal.
  • I resolved to listen to you when you spoke and did not let the belief “Children should be seen not heard.” rule in this house.
  • I was not going to go on surprise purges of your spaces with full on rants and corporal punishment in the aftermath.
  • I would allow you to find your independence by encouraging, advising and supporting you in your effort to learn to drive, find a job and finish your school projects on your own.
  • I made time to spend with just you instead of leaving you on your own all the time.

Some would say I was not strict enough. Maybe not. Maybe that was my big mistake as a parent to you. However, I did believe giving you the freedom to fall on your face and try to learn that the failure was yours and yours alone. (Not some outside force or the failure of someone else) Although, I do believe you are still learning that lesson today.

Know that some battles are not worth fighting. Only pursue the ones which are worth fighting. If after a day or week you cannot remember the reason for your anger, it was a battle not worth fighting.

With that said, I know you have tons to say to your father based on how he approached parenting you. And I am sure you have tons to say about whether or not I stood up to him enough. You’d be surprised to know, that when you were not around there were indeed shouty throw downs, I even dragged him to therapy (which did nothing to shake him out of it). And at some point, I expected him to ask for a divorce and I said, “bring it”. The reason you did not see it was because I resolved to limit parenting disputes if you were present. I know the kind of unrest that causes a child, seeing parents at each others’ throats over good cop/bad cop. It’s unhealthy. And at some point when you get older, it becomes a bargaining chip on your part to play one parent off the other and instigate the arguments in order to manipulate your way.

I know this because I did this. My family were openly fighting about parenting choices and at some point I found out how to make that benefit me.

With all you have to say, I encourage you to think about why you need to say it, what you expect from it and when you feel you need to say it. Personally, if you had something to say to me about parenting I would wish you would say it all now while I have the chance to be a better parent to you.

And lastly, the thing I have noticed about you with the contentious relationship you have with your father is that you are letting him rule your happiness in terms of earning his approval. The only person who should rule your happiness is you. You should set the standard of approval by what you want for yourself. If you feel you have done your best then you shouldn’t need to turn to others for affirmation. Self satisfaction should be enough.

Wisdom from Edgar Allen Poe

The longer I live, the bleaker the future looks to me in terms of the quality of life.

I cavalierly stated a few decades ago, that the older we get the less we will be able to trust all the services we take for granted.

  • Mass transit
  • Healthcare
  • Food quality
  • Water quality

Over those years, this prediction became a horrible reality and then some.

We cannot trust our banking systems now, or the stock market. There are no real consumer protections like there were in the 60s and 70s. Keep track of packaging of groceries; the packaging is smaller but the prices remain the same or rise. That used to be a heinous fraud and consumer protections were in place to prevent it from happening.

Other production protection measures were in place to track the quality of items produced before they went to market rather than after the fact. Recalls were less likely in my youth than that of today.

Now, you also have to worry about what information is shared with you, whether it is a video or news item and who is the source of that information, has that information been doctored in any way to sway your point of view.

The quote above was written in 1850 in a work of fiction called The System of Dr. Tarr and Prof. Fether but is a fair warning for today’s false or misleading information engine.  Just the other day, I watched the journalist Anderson Cooper respond to an allegation that he falsified reporting on the last hurricane which hit the U.S. in the Carolinas.  It was footage of him standing in deep water while his cameraman filmed a few feet away in less than 2 ft of water. This picture went viral on various platforms where he was vilified for making much ado about nothing.

His response was adept in debunking the mislead allegations as to the source (a flood in Texas, several years prior to the current event), the science behind floods and the fact that the cameraman shown in the photo had died just a week or so prior.  He should not have had to do this, but there are people out there who feel the need to cause a rise in the masses for no other reason than to enjoy the show. People who like to watch the world burn.

Inciters so to speak.

I want to remind you that all people are lazy about fact checking what is fed to them on a day to day basis. I have fallen prey to the misinformation on occasion and felt the need to remind you to be vigilant that most of what you hear or see could very well be false and you are behooved to prove it before making any snap judgement. If you choose to be lazy then you become part of the masses (the herd of sheeple who follow the loudest noises) easily manipulated to respond in the manner that the informant wishes.

Check a variety of sources, check the backgrounds of the sources of the information to see what their true motivation is before assuming truth.

And even if you verify all the information is close to true; but the data has to do with a science of any sort, know that science is an every evolving discipline. What may be proven now could be disproved in a matter of months, years or decades.

The longer I live on this earth, the more I know that I do not know much. I am constantly searching for truth. So should you.

Listen carefully to what is said. Read everything with extreme scrutiny. Look for the faulty logic, the contradictions, and the outright lies hidden in the truth.  Know that a well crafted lie is woven within a series of truthful statements.