Category: Life’s little lessons

Take Heart

Posted on by misspoobles

I was having dinner with a friend- both of us still reeling from the sudden death of a mutual friend – when she said this…

“We are surrounded by such strong women and I fear that I deliberately do that so I can hide from the fact that I am not strong at all.”

The thing is, I have always regarded this friend as strong. I clumsily tried to explain that we all feel that way, that the people around us have it all together; when in reality, they are filled with the same doubts and fears as we have. We are all just muddling through and carrying our respective burdens and responsibilities in the best way we can.  I feel like I diminished it by lumping it into an “everyone feels this” category.

She said she wanted to be more because our dearly departed friend was just that. (More) With each passing of dear friends, I make that same commitment to take on the same qualities of the person I have lost in order to be better than I am.  But somewhere down the road, I am just me and it is overwhelming to do what I commit to do.

I can be who, intrinsically, I am with small changes  – but like New Year’s resolutions; those memorial resolutions get lost in the same way.

I don’t think our friend would want us to go changing in an effort to honor her memory. She befriended us for who we are and loved us for all we were.

Comparing ourselves to others by our perceptions is what fuels unrealistic self-expectations which ultimately causes undue self-loathing and stress when we fail to meet our goals.

The phrases,

“I’ve always felt like an outsider looking in”
“I don’t feel like I fit in with anything.”
“I feel like I’m faking it and someday people will figure it out if they haven’t already.”
“I am drowning most of the time barely treading water these days.”
“I am not a nice person underneath it all”
“Do others just perceive me as full of shit?”

These are not unfamiliar sentiments by anyone. We all have these feelings. We have to take heart that the person next to you, or sitting across from you on the mass transit vehicle has thought these thoughts too.

When you’re walking through life and observing those around you who seemingly have it more together than you, take heart – the key word there is “seemingly”.  We don’t know their whole stories as they do not know ours.  What motivates their actions, reactions is fueled by things we do not know, histories and such.  So relax and take heart, just do the best you can in the way that you can.

Judgement Meme

To those sporting those Judgiepants…

Posted on by misspoobles

Prejudice noun /ˈprejədəs/

Prejudgment, or forming an opinion before becoming aware of the relevant facts of a case.

So many types to mention but I want to address the one most are guilty of every day. One of which does not come up when you google ‘Types of Prejudice’. I reckon I consider this type as Prejudice of Condition.

Lately, I have observed this prejudice first hand. But I was not a stranger to it in the past. Back then it enraged me. Now? Not so much. But it does disappoint me.

So what is prejudice of condition? Let’s explore some examples.

Take Sally for example, she wears decent clothes, holds a steady job; but recently, has indicated that she is having cash problems. Those around her judge her statement as disingenuous as she always has what appears to be nice clothes, perfectly manicured nails. “Hell, if she can spend the cash on clothes and manicures, she’s not as skint as she says. What a liar!”

No one knows she was forced to max her credit card to pay for unexpected repairs on her car, she does her own nails and her clothes are from a charity shop.
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Another example comes in the form of a meme which has circulated on facebook timelines for several years now. Even I have shared it to remind those around me to be less quick to judge.

“You can’t see my problems, you can’t see my pain. You don’t understand the thoughts going round in my brain. My illness is not visible, it’s not on display. But it’s a battle I fight with each and every day…”

For those with chronic illness, including me, we endure each day knowing we will have good ones and just plain horrible ones. We never know what the next day will be. Our minds are preoccupied with what this could very well be and we fight the fears with the mantra that it may not be since the tests were negative the last time. Just because we continue to fight– to appear normal — doesn’t mean our situation is made up or any less real. We want normal lives, and we will do what we can when we can. We live with what we have and try to make the best of it even in our worst moments.

It is sad to discover someone close to you is judging based on their definition of what sick should look like just because you canceled plans when you weren’t feeling well enough to cater to them. Because after all, it is all about them.

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Finally, the last example is the one I think I am most susceptible to committing and being the target at the same time. Judging personality based on visage. I have resting bitch face. I know what it is like to be judged by my relaxed demeanor. Some people find me very off putting due to my expression. I haven’t minded too much because the introvert in me is kind of relieved.

But I have been very guilty of doing the same. Not just with people with resting bitch face, but with others whose outward appearance seems intimidating and I assume they are cold or abusive in nature when actually they probably are super kind and warm.

It’s a terrible thing, prejudgements. Because in these judgements we prevent caring relationships to be formed or maintained. Be wary of your quick to conclude thoughts when dealing with others. Remind yourself of how it feels to be judged without the full information.

tworoads

Actions, Reactions and Choices – Oh My!

Posted on by misspoobles

Ever have one of those mind blown moments as a kid? Something really profound happens or you hear something which causes you to stop and exclaim “Whoa!”

It happened to me while listening to a Rush song “Free Will” I was really attending to the lyrics and when Geddy got to this line, I had that mind blown moment:

“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice”

I was probably all of 13 at the time and I think my mind did just stop; simply hanging on that very line.

“Wait, what? Not to choose is a choice just as a,b or c? Whoa!”

Sometimes the best response to a situation is to simply, not choose to attend to it. I tried it out; and sometimes, it was the right thing to do –  as time had a way of showing me that not everything must be handled and things have a way of sorting out on their own.  Loads of stress lifted on that life’s little lesson.

But it goes deeper than that, I found. As time went on and I was exercising my choice to not choose, I found that also how I regard a situation (my attitude) is a choice as well. Something truly shitty happens I have a choice to react poorly as a result or to choose to take it with grace or optimism- and as a result the impact on me will be different.

Remember that time when we all embraced the fad witty retort to “Have a nice day!” ?

“Don’t tell me what kind of day to have.”

Turns out if one chooses to be happy, it changes color on the whole day, week or even year regardless of the shit storm one may walk through. Sure it’s a challenge at times, and as in my prior blog entry, I mentioned you can choose to let your weakness show to keep it from building up and destroying you from the inside.

We do face challenges each and every day, some poor interaction with a person and we have the choice of reacting poorly, reacting positively or simply not reacting at all. It just takes a bit of thought.

Not choosing can have a more profound impact than choosing path a or b.

The meaning of life

Posted on by misspoobles

People search endlessly for the answer to the ultimate question.

“Why am I here?”

It has taken me 44 years to get to the answer and the answer is this….

You are here to impact others in either positive or negative ways in order to leverage them into higher versions of themselves.

What does that mean exactly?

It means this –

You are a people maker.  Your actions and reactions to the people in your life at any given point in the timeline that is your life will motivate them to become better people. Sometimes you must deal harsh blows which shake a person into changes to ultimately better themselves or you will inspire people to soar to new heights.

In a sense it is not about you, that is, your life. Your life is about others. It is about fostering growth and change.

The example that you set does leave a mark on those who surround you. You can be the example to which others aspire or you can be the lesson to which others declare, “I don’t want to be like you.”  And as life would have it, you can be both.

Case in point, me.  I am a generous giver, a thoughtful, humorous, conscientious person who is riddled with neuroses, negativity and bad habits which serve both purposes. To inspire and motivate.

How does this work in my case?

For those around me my work ethic, my sense of justice inspires good deeds for others to follow suit. Yet, in the same vein, my weaknesses, obsessions and addictions serve as a lesson of what not to do in life.

There will come a time in your life where you feel you do not matter. To the world or to anyone. But I do say this, watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Yes, the old black and white film starring Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed.  It shows that you do have impacts. A kindness you extend to someone in passing may leave a mark on their soul which changes their life for the better.

A condemnation from you, to another, may give that person pause to rethink their path in order to make changes for the better.

You do matter. You, in your unique way, touch people and initiate change.

Change is good.  For some, negative change may not seem positive for them in the immediate, but down the road, it does serve as a positive.  Time serves in that lesson.

Should you deliver a harsh blow, never ever think back on it with regret. Just let time work it out. There is a reason you had to do what you needed to do or say what you needed to say which was received poorly. Just trust that in the end, time will teach the lesson.

Conversely, you must also keep aware that others are impacting you in the same way. That harsh instructor you had in school which made your semester a living hell? Ask yourself, what did you learn from him/her other than how you felt?  Did he/she motivate you to dig deep within yourself to meet his/her demands? Did you learn from him/her? Did you grow stronger? Develop a thicker skin for survival?

What about those who suffered around you? What did you learn from them? Did they teach you a new level of strength as you watched them struggle and persevere?  Did they uncover a weakness about yourself which made you rethink it and decide what really matters and what challenges in life really were? Did the small stuff finally present themselves as small stuff?

That golden boy/girl who inspires you and knocks your ever-living socks off in everything they touch. Did you find yourself thinking, “If they can do that, what can I achieve?”

This is the purpose of life. We are each others’ teachers, guides, muses and lessons. Learn and grow from all around you and impart the same on those who surround you.

For further reference… listen to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nh3EsEzVvws